Siobhan

I was a girl who spoke graphite and dreamt diamonds
Because maybe if I held onto my dreams hard enough, they’d become real
Contemplating illustrations of illustrious illusions
Perhaps of grandeur and romantic visions of importance
Or just the empty bottles in front of me that stand as obstacles to my freedom
Which is locked in memories that cling to me like leeches
Leeches to bleed me out in hopes of becoming a little less sick
A little less allergic to the pollen grains of death and heartbreak

Once, I knew a girl who had eyelashes that batted flirtatiously at invincibility
She hid in heroin overdoses and heads hanging over toilet seats
Because she ate too much and her soul wanted to starve itself

Once, I knew a girl who made me sick
The way that a finger in the back of my throat after a particularly big meal does
Which isn’t to say I found her disgusting,
I just don’t think that love poems are really done justice until you juxtapose
Bulimia and adoration-
And she had that too. Both of them.

Once, I knew a girl who was poetry that comes to you on the toilet seat
Wisdom scribbled on bathroom stalls indecipherable to those that could never understand
How something so beautiful can come from our souls while we’re taking a shit
Or maybe our minds have just been constipated for far too long
And an emotional enema is necessary for our survivals

Once, I knew a girl who was a blueberry blushing shyly
Painting me purple with the bruises that form when my words are choking
Attempts at forming a way to love her the way an anti-oxidant rich fruit deserves

Once, I knew a girl who resided in the spaces between our heartbeats
The breaths between gasps your throat chokes itself for
And her immortality so angered the gods they struck her down with the vices she adored
Driving drunk in empty streets of despair and poetry and alcohol
And really, I will never forgive her
Because it was entirely her own fault
Creating tragedies and catastrophes between fingertips that spoke of
Leaving me a hopeless car wreck at a whim

Once I knew a girl who pushed death past its limits until it wanted to kill itself as well
There wasn’t a single vice she didn’t try and that made her feel unstoppable
Teetering on edges of cliffs to see how long she could hang on
Crashing into stop signs nights before holiday celebrations
Running red lights and egging the police in our hearts to chase after us-
See what happens

And the irony of her end never escaped me
Because she consumed death and ate immortality
Would jump off buildings to see if she could live through it
And it’s ironic that her suicides were the ones she survived and an accident killed her
Something outside of herself within her essence she simply had no control over

And once I was a girl who spoke grains of sand and dreamt pearls
Because I hoped if I covered up loving you you’d go away – and you did